My Toilet Bag Addiction
Perfectionism, self-worth, and life on tour
I think I’m addicted to toilet bags.
Also, neck pillows and noise-cancelling headphones.
I have 8 different carry-on bags: an arsenal of suitcases, totes, and backpacks, and I cannot pass up a good “Top Ten Carry-On Travel Products” listicle, even though I usually already have 70% of the products suggested, and the rest I’ve tried and rejected.
Today, a new toilet bag arrived in the mail, and I looked at it and thought, “Why do I keep doing this?”
The toilet bag that felt essential when I was shopping in bed two nights ago is basically the same as the one already in my bathroom cabinet.
And yet when I hit “buy now”, I thought it was the key to successfully packing for my UK/Europe tour next week.
The missing piece of the perfect tour puzzle.
And while having too many toilet bags isn’t a huge problem in isolation, the root of this perfection-driven shopping is emotional, and the fallout is financial.
I used to self-soothe boredom and loneliness on tour by shopping between sound check and the show. I told myself I was “exploring the town” — and justified it by buying show clothes and makeup.
I broke myself of that bad habit a few years ago, but that didn’t stop the shopping completely. It just morphed from walking the streets to shopping on my phone.
And, while all that shopping wasn’t great for my bank balance, I’m not sure I would’ve even clocked the real issue with this if I hadn’t been reading “A Perfectionist’s Guide To Losing Control” by Katherine Morgan Schafler when my latest toilet bag acquisition arrived.
I’ve known I was a perfectionist for a long time, but reading this book taught me there are many different flavors of perfectionism — Intense, Classic, Parisian, Procrastinator, and Messy.
I’m a delicious cocktail of Intense and Messy, but it was her discussion of a spin-off of Classic perfectionism that really caught my attention.
She says:
“Classic perfectionists easily become fixated on object perfectionism… maladaptively expressed [meaning, affecting you in a dysfunctional way] object perfectionism reflects your dependency on an external object to make you feel whole and perfect on the inside.”
The realisation hit me: I was searching for the perfect toilet bag to make me feel whole.
In a career where almost everything is out of my control.
Reading this book, I started to see that my desire for the perfect travel accessory really boils down to self-worth.
Schafler suggests that perfectionism involves a dependency on external order to regulate internal distress.
She describes it as a feeling of:
If I perform well → I am worthy.
If things are organized → I am safe.
Or, in my case: if I have the perfect toilet bag → I am in control.
The core motivation was never convenience or hair-product organisation.
It was either to appear to others as a pro traveller, or to engineer a perfect experience that eliminated even the possibility of stress.
I want people to see me walk onto the plane, with my perfectly sized carry-on bag, take out my noise-canceling headphones, kindle, travel bottle, and think... well that’s someone who knows what she’s doing.
Once, a flight attendant told me I had the perfect-sized carry-on suitcase, and it felt like being given 10 gold stars.
I tell myself that if I find the perfect neck pillow, I’ll sleep on the flight — and the tour will start well.
That sleep is only eluding me because I haven’t found the ideal combo of headphones, eye mask, sleeping pills, neck rest, and socks.
If I can’t sleep, the first few days will be ruined.
And all of this is about a need to control either people’s perception of me or my experience of the world.
Schafler’s deeper core message is that we are allowed to feel okay before everything is perfect.
Perfectionism isn’t inherently bad, nor is it something perfectionists can simply rid themselves of.
Perfectionists will always feel compelled to strive toward their ideal because when they try to force themselves to stop trying to excel, they feel muted.
But it’s possible to use our perfectionistic tendencies for good rather than let them rule us.
So I’m setting myself the goal of being present on this tour, rather than trying to control it. Accepting that it may not go as planned, and I may arrive exhausted, and that’s ok, too.
The real security isn’t in the waterproof compartments of a toilet bag, but in trusting that I can show up — to a flight or to life — exactly as I am, and still be fine.
And possibly also having my partner change our Amazon password while I’m working on it.
Nice article, Vanessa!! Thank you.
1.) I hadn't heard of that book, nor did I know that there were different types of perfectionism! Must read this book - thank you for the rec.
2.) Now you have me wondering... what toiletry bag do you recommend? I need to replace my ziplock bag :)
3.) I know what you mean by getting complimented on your carry-on. I found a Tumi that I am obsessed with. Anyone that compliments my bag puts a giant smile on my face.
Muahahaha. I just laughed so hard at your honest reflection on being a perfectionist... probably also, cuz I found a lot of myself in your report. Thank you 🤣 THANK YOU!