Vulnerability Hangover
When sharing becomes oversharing
(Photo by Sarah Brown)
A few weeks ago I went through a major and very unexpected medical event.
It was a highly personal experience that I decided to share publicly.
Those of you who’ve been subscribed to this blog for a while would have received the piece directly to your inbox and know exactly what I’m talking about.
Those of you who are newer to the blog are maybe feeling a bit confused and wondering why you can’t find it on the home page.
It’s no longer online because the next day - at around 3 am (yay!) - I suffered a major attack of vulnerability hangover and unpublished it.
Why?
I’m glad you asked… ;)
My overall goal with this blog and in all my music coaching work is to build a community of female musicians who feel empowered and supported in building amazing lives in music.
As part of that quest, I share candid stories about life as a female musician to help nurture that connection and remind people they're not alone in this.
But there is a fine line between vulnerability and oversharing, and in my last piece, I crossed it.
After I hit publish I was inundated with beautiful, loving, supportive messages from wonderful people all over the world. But every time someone said how courageous it was to share the story, I slipped a little further into the vulnerability regret hole.
Riding the rollercoaster of writing, publishing, regretting, and deleting that piece got me thinking about the difference between vulnerability vs oversharing.
Here’s where I’ve landed:
• Vulnerability creates connection and is essential for building relationships.
• Oversharing leaves you feeling emotionally naked and regretful.
But honestly, sometimes it’s really, really hard to tell the difference (case in point, my last piece!).
Vulnerability is an essential aspect of building an audience for your music, but one of the biggest challenges when you start sharing in a more vulnerable way and creating content around your “why” and not just the “what”, is figuring out how to do it without sharing too much or regretting it after.
It’s a hard line to walk, but there are a few key elements you can use to determine whether you’re sharing from a place of healthy vulnerability vs oversharing:
• Motivation
• Timing
• Fallout
In my situation, the motivation was good but the timing was bad and I hadn’t considered the fallout of how sharing the story would impact my partner.
Next time you’re wondering if you should share a more personal story, ask yourself these questions:
Motivation: Are you wanting to share this story just because you think it will get a lot of likes? Are you trying to help someone else? What is your primary motivation for being vulnerable in this way?
In my situation, my motivation was good - I wanted to share my story so that other people who had experienced the same thing might not feel so alone and also as a warning to women like me, who never thought they would have to go through something like it.
Fallout: Will someone else be impacted by your sharing of this story? Have you asked them if that’s ok? Are you ok with absolutely everyone in your life possibly knowing this about you?
Some basic rules for sharing online: Don’t share anything you wouldn’t want your boss, parent, or future employee to know about you. Don’t share anything that could impact your safety (like details about where you live or work).
In my recent overshare, I failed to even talk to my boyfriend before hitting the big ol’ publish button - even though it was very much his story too. I shared something with the whole world that was personal to him without his consent and before he’d had time to even tell his family. He was kind about it - and chalked the misjudgment up to my still swirling hormones - but that brings us to the other fail on my part...
Timing: Ask yourself, is this the right time to share this story? When possible, wait until after something is over to decide if you will talk about it. If a story is highly personal, it’s largely impossible to determine if you’re ready to talk about it while in the midst of it.
Let your emotions settle before you decide if you want to share something with the world.
I decided to write and share my story before it was even close to being over, a mistake I wouldn’t have made if I’d talked it through with the other person involved or just waited a few more days until I was in a clearer headspace.
If you already read the story, please don’t think this means I wish you hadn’t.
I had some beautiful messages from women who’d been through something similar, and supportive messages from people who gained valuable insight from a piece about something they’d never thought about before.
Maybe the story already did its job whether it’s still online now or not.
Ultimately only you can decide if something is vulnerability or oversharing. The line where you’ll regret it or not, whether someone else could be impacted, or how much fallout you’re willing to experience is different for everyone and with every unique experience.
I’m not sure if I’ll re-publish the aforementioned piece sometime in the future, but I do know the next time I’m trying to decide if I share something personal in a public forum I’m going to think through the motivation, timing, and fallout before I hit the publish button.
